10 Moments Where, In Reality, You’d be Dead. Sorry.

Video games offer some extraordinary moments to leave your jaw agape. Whether that’s a mind blowing plot twist, a kill streak of epic proportions or just the general tomfoolery that would never happen in reality. In fact, some of these moments are so insane that if you ever tried in reality, you’d most definitely die. There’s no question about it, you’d be flat out dead. That being said, here is a list of just some of those moments. From this point on, an official spoiler alert is in effect.

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Still with us? Then let’s get to it.


Getting Shot, The First of Many Times (Red Dead Redemption)

Red Dead Redemption is an epic western tale and has gone down as one of the best games ever birthed by someone other than Kojima. However, I just can’t let this one go. In the beginning of the game, John Marston confronts Bill Williamson outside of Fort Mercer, only for Williamson to pop a cap in Marston’s gut and leave him to rot. In the game, he survives and continues his journey to end his old gang. Take into consideration that game takes place in 1911, a simpler time when people thought it was a good idea to treat syphilis with mercury. Having been laying on the dirt with an open wound for as long as he did, and given the lack of medical advancements at the time, Marston would have most likely died from whatever 1911-esque disease he could contract from his open wound on the feces-ridden dirt.


Hands Off, Mia! (Resident Evil: Biohazard)

In a quest to find your long lost wife, Mia, a recording drives you to her last known location to find her. After finding a sketchy house, going through the sketchy basement and finding Mia acting sketchy, things just don’t seem sketchy enough for protagonist Ethan Winters. He get’s the hint that something’s wrong once Mia goes insane, stabbing him in one confrontation and then literally cutting his hand off with a chainsaw when you run into her again. Like Marston’s scenario, Winter’s most likely would have succumbed to his wound either from bleeding out or get an infection from all the surfaces that he touched with his exposed stub.


Falling from Space (Halo Reach)

Okay, so before I get into this, let me just say that I get the counterargument, Jorge’s sacrifice was noble and the slip space bomb was epic. Spartan’s are equipped with their special armor and shields that help them survive extreme conditions and essentially make them bullet sponges. That’s all fine and dandy, however, falling from space into Reach’s atmosphere, Noble 6 would have likely burned up on the way down, even with the shields. If the shields somehow managed to keep you alive, the impact would most definitely have killed your player. If the gameplay is anything to go by, Spartans can’t fall very far without dying and a knees height in water is enough to drown them. Kinda kills the whole “base jumping from space” thing. Watch the clip below, courtesy of HaloReachSpot, to see this scene for yourself:


Getting Shot in the Head (Fallout New Vegas)

Fallout New Vegas’s opening sequence sets up the stage for you, the unnamed Courier, to go absolutely postal. In the opening cutscene, you are bound by rope in front of your shallow grave in a non-BDSM manner. After a monologue from Benny, a.k.a. Matthew Perry’s lowest point in acting, he tells you that the game was rigged from the start then puts the period on that statement in the form of two bullets right into your forehead (the more I think it may have been a semicolon.) Somehow, the Courier is still alive when they get dug up, despite having two bullet holes on your forehead and a lack of oxygen due to being buried. Underground. Where there is no oxygen.


Bringing a Gun to a Dinosaur Fight (Tomb Raider Series)

The original Tomb Raider games seemed to like dinosaurs. So much so that you would encounter them as a boss battle in a couple of these originals. I think the conflict is pretty clear here. Lora Croft, armed only with dual handguns versus a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex. Vote now on your phones!

I think the victor here is pretty clear, especially considering that in Jurrasic Park, Muldoon, brandishing an SPAS-12 shotgun, stood no chance against raptors.


Falling from the Top of a Concrete Building (Battlefield 4)

The first mission of Battlefield 4 puts you right in the middle of a boots on the ground conflict. This conflict escalates into a full on firefight as you and your squadmates push on to the top of a tower for extraction. Unfortunately, the extraction does not go as planned and your evac helicopter gets shot down and the building begins to crumble beneath you. This portion of the mission ends with you losing your grip and falling off the building as it collapses with a giant slab of concrete falling just feet above you. After the screen goes black for a moment, you are dug up from the rubble by Irish, one of your squadmates. Okay, so first let’s assume that you could survive a fall from that height. You would have been immediately crushed by the piece of concrete that is falling right above you, as shown below:

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Battlefield 4 (EA DICE, Electronic Arts)

I guess that all in all, you’re just another brick in the wall? I understand if you want to stop reading now.


A Thorn (or, rebar) in Your Side (The Last of Us)

The world of The Last of Us is harsh and unforgiving, even to protagonists Joel and Ellie. This unforgiving relentlessness seems to be a little more forgiving when Joel gets knocked off of an upper level at the university and onto the floor below, where he gets impaled by an exposed rebar. First of all, tetanus seems to be an irrelevant concern for everyone in this scenario. To be fair, we don’t really know what happens in the time between his fall the winter sequence of the game, with the exception of the Left Behind DLC. I’m going to leave it as a possibility that Ellie could have successfully healed Joel, but given the lack of resources, possible tetanus and the fact that he got a metal bar right through his abdomen, I’m going to chalk it up as unlikely.


Base-Jumping into Dumpsters (Dying Light)

Dying Light is everything that Dead Island should have been and was the best possible way to restore Techland’s image in the zombie apocalypse game genre. The free running mechanics and melee combat are fun, the night is horrifying and the fact that you can actually hear protagonist Kyle Crane getting more sick of the shit he has to deal with as the game goes on is quite hilarious. Besides the biting zombies and bloodthirsty Volatiles, one concept about this game doesn’t make sense. How can Crane break his fall from buildings by landing in dumpsters? Or, even better, how can he break his fall from the top of a bridge by landing on the roof of a car? Crane even references alludes to the absurdness of this base jumping technique at the climax of the game.

“One of these days I’m gonna do this and end up landing on a bag of rusty knives, I just know it,” said Kyle Crane as he lands softly on a pile of garbage.

If you could even manage to survive a jump from that height your kneecaps would turn to dust and you’d probably never be able to walk again, and it would all happen faster than you can say “Holy crap that’s a zombie I need to run away now.”


Dropping It Like It’s Hot (Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain)

Tactical open world espionage game Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, is a fun entry in the series and it’s transition to an open world setting was a good move on the part of developer Kojima. While there are many things that happen in this game that would kill you, such as being thrown into an ambulance or getting lit up by an enemy chopper, my curiosity gets set into motion when it comes to the Man on Fire. Not the man in of himself, but his encounters with everyone. The Man on Fire can rip through an army like it’s nothing but has a difficult time taking down Venom Snake. This curiosity got the best of me in the cutscene before the Man on Fire boss fight when the Man on Fire, who, need I remind you, is on fire, grabs Venom Snake by the throat. You would think he is at least a couple thousand degrees, so why wouldn’t his grip fry Snake’s esophagus? Maybe I’m missing something here?


All the Lead You Sponge Up in First-Person Shooters

Admit it. We’re bullet sponges. With the exception of a handful of shooters, we manage to take a significant amount of hits before we go down. And if you are near death? Not to worry! Your Wolverine-like regenerative healing will have you back on your feet in no time, and, if you’re not a mutant, you can just eat some food or drink a beer, and those bullet wounds will be gone in an instant. Trust me, I’m a doctor!

Do you agree with this list? Obviously, there’s more than just this, so let me know what you think and what I should have included!

Photo courtesy of BagoGames